dreams..

happy new yr~

today dream of ... .. haha.. till some nice parts to got awaken by my dad.. orh.. some dreams tt i felt so real.. yet everytime is like tt bah.. totally opposite from e reality.. bt i nv thought of ... for a v long time oready.. really.. bt still pops up in my dream..
anyway dreams reminds me of e government official came to our sch last thurs.. hes one impressive speaker tt gav me deep impression.. he said, if u dream big, i cant promise u tt dream will definitely b reached, bt if u don dream, i can tell u tt ull nv reach ur dream.. quite simple la.. bt i felt e meaning in it..
sth different from todays dream is tt i nv thought of it oready then it pops up..

anyway, enough of tt.. jus been slacking those days.. continue to sleep in e library whenever theres free period.. haha.. jus found tt library is a nice place to sleep.. strangely no one will wake u up.. im not e only one, evertime ill c ppl sleeping ard in e sch k.. anyway, rite choice i made for taking cl literature.. cos its a must to take chi for 1st 3 mths in tp.. then by taking chi as a h2 i no need to take chi h1.. so i hav quite a no of free periods by doing so..
sometimes i kept thinking it b futile n meaningless to attend sch.. for if im going to study poly.. a few from my class withdrawn oready, making my class even smaller.. n sth i quite sad abt is tt im e only one left in girls bball.. then itll b meaningless for me to go since theres no training due to serious lacking in ppl.. one of my dream to join bball become impssible again.. quite sad la.. 700 over ppl in a cohort cant form a bball team.. tts e difference between guys n girls bah.. guys can b more passionate bout sth which they like.. i dunno la.. theres far too many guys came for bball trial tt they conducted sth like an audition..
n i hav been considering whether should i hav taken history as h2.. though im really quite interested bout e syllabus, bt honestly, i still don understand anything from beginning till now.. n tutorials started, tutor requires 2 page tutorial outline for every tutorial.. its an essay which consists of arguments of at least 6 or 7 pts.. headache ar.. i not so worried bout gp, not more than how i worried bout history.. hai~
dreams n reality really takes on different route, isnt it?

one day holiday..

ponned today.. slept till 12 then wake up..
after ytd talk with my mum, i realised tt she has been wanting me to study in poly.. though she kept saying tt i can choose myself bt actually is not e case.. doesnt wan me to study jc at all.. bt anyway, cant blame her, e reality is hard on everyone.. even then i hav not been keeping on to my standards.. since sec 1 i haven been studying.. if i could b put into a gd jc like hc or tj using my own ability of cos i can continue my dream la.. however i failed to.. i was saying tt ill depend on my olevel results to decide where to go.. bt now, i guess even if i can get into tj, ill still consider whether should i waste money in jc or b realistic n go poly instead.. anyway, cant blame others, its ur fault wat.. not being able to convince them tt u r capable of doing it.. i might jus end up in nap chinese studies even if i get 8.. dreams n reality r always take 2 diff routes, sometimes its jus difficult to hav both of them on e same lane..
having tis kind of mentality, i doubted e necessity of me going to tpj now.. lectures n tutorials would b useless now if im going to nap.. bt i dunno la.. ill still go tmr.. jus doubted.. jus reluctant..
was looking at photos jus now.. e one i posted on friendster regarding xinma camp 2nd day one caught my attention.. it was taken while we r trying v hard not to let dj throw e money we earned during e funfair as money rain.. thanks for syd for helping us to shoot such lively photos for us.. it really reminds me of e camp n remind e happiness tt we enjoyed.. thinking abt how hard my grp n i had played making me laugh.. haha, we played till we re crazy.. hoped tt i hav not been a bad leader to my grp.. hoped tt they had fun like i do.. n hope tt we meet up soon.. i miss u guys..
watching geisha tonite.. 1st movie going to b watched by us.. TheOlevelGang.. haha..

finally olevelgang reunited..

ytd had dinner with hm cy n jh.. finally we had reunion dinner.. haha.. anyway, ate at kfc at tiong bahru, we ordered one bucket of chicken de meal, forgot wats e meals name, is e big bucket meal la.. took v funny pics outside kfc, haha.. wanted to go home after tt de..bt in e end decided to go sph.. i rmb it was 9 pm when we start our journey.. in e end guess wat time did we reach sph? 11.30!! we took 2 1/2 hrs to reach sph.. ok la long story, im with 3 working class ppl, so we took buses.. bt kept taking e wrong direction.. bt honestly speaking, we had v fun time on buses.. so we ended up sitting in sph for only 10 min then went home le.. it may sound wasting time, bt, i don feel tt is wasting time cos im with ppl tts worth my time n i feel happy being with them.. anyway, fun time with ur guys.. though me n hm was scolded by mums..
b4 tt, we went hypes.. haha.. fun time chatting with dear senior..

today went to sph in e morning for zigengdi meeting.. then went to nyp open house in e afternoon with e olevelgang.. had fun time in e nyp canteen.. took v funny photos of cheng shake n home oyster.. haha.. had fun times whenever with them.. n its v occassionally tt we 4 actually go out together.. must treasure e time we had together.. new wish here, if im not being able to get at least 15 to get into a gd jc, i hope we 4 can study in nap, we 3 go chinese studies then home oyster go study design.. though tp will b better to study design, bt i hope tt we 4 can like eat together n spend our free periods together.. haha.. its gd to hav frens tt click to hang out with.. thanks for letting me to get into txy.. got many frens other then e 3 of them..
speaking of txy, i quite of miss e days in xinma camp.. haha.. cos i got to overnite with ppl tt r really my frens.. though hm not with me.. haha, bt hf with me.. pity tt didnt sleep with hm.. hai.. nvm, gain sth means ull lose sth.. haha.. theres always an opportunity cost.. learnt from econs.. haha..
really fun time with olevelgang.. hope we get to meet up soon.. yes geisha!! we shall meet v soon..

i ve been feeling strange lately eh.. like ill b waiting for him to talk to me.. hai.. jus, i dunno la.. i think being stupid wil hav tis complicated feeling bah.. u oso dunno how to describe.. like, hai, y am i like tis..

take care~

left with 5 min of com usage.. tpjc library has been my slacking place for every free period.. i seem to hav no where to go, no one to hang out with.. though i feel tt i don really need, n seriously i feel rather happy to stay alone in e library so tt i can finish up my own stuff.. there need to hav time for urself to think n recharge rite.. i don believe in excelling efficiently in grps.. well, jus c wat we did during our olevel time in sph.. bt sometimes, i feel suffocated.. v pressurised, not by academics, bt sth else..
alrite time almost up.. shall blog at nite when i reach home..

stupid..

happy birthday to br..

slacking again in e library.. from 9 till 1250 no lesson again.. felt so so sleepy during e econs lecture.. arms n legs aching after ytd bball cca..
while walking into sch tis morning i thought of reasons of my reluctance to come sch.. during e days in cch, there r things for me to look forward to in class, ppl tt i wanted to c, n most imptly im v familiar n lked e place a lot.. i dunno is it bcos of my preference for other sch made not being able to make frens with ppl.. its my fault.. bt i shall stay like tis.. as i dunno how to make a change.. anyway, not necessary oso..
ytd on e way back home, discussed with cy y ppl in love r stupid n blind.. take note here, is ppl, means both e male n e female.. conclusion, when in love, ur brain, mind, heart, thoughts, feelings, actions r all occupied by him or her.. if he becomes stupid one day, then tt will be day i shall wake up.. cos e impossibility is jus too high.. am i stupid..? i guess i am..
oh btw, talking bout wasting time, being with him is not wasting time, halaing with sph frens is a yes, bt i don consider it as one, cos its enjoyable.. being alone in e library, either blogging sleeping writting rubbish is a yes, bt compared to slacking ard in e sch alone is not, cos its more torturing n meaningless crapping with ppl u don click..
arghh.. abit bored by e topic..
anyway, almost times up for com usage in library.. feel like going home now..

slacking extremely..

time is 11 in e morning.. here blogging not bcos i ponned again today.. my history lecture ended 0820, nx lecture is 1210, omg.. i jus slacked for 3 hrs.. reflashing memories, missing e days e 4 of us had at e back of e class.. missing e talkative n act enthu hm, e cooling aircon n cow henry, e 4-yr-old n 'entertaining' mr handsome.. nv thought how life would b without them.. now i noe wat life is like..
so tts jc life.. having longer break times than lecture period.. like 4 hrs of break compared to 40 min lectures.. soon im used to wat ive been doing in sec 2s.. being alone.. r e break times for bonding with ppl of ur og n cg? like wat ive seen along e corridors, ppl playing cards, sitting ard play stupid games, chatting.. well, i would like to b alone rather than being with ppl who don understand me n neither do i understand them.. alrite i understand bt disagree.. not tt im antisocial, jus tt no clicking is occouring.. i would rather sit in e library, enjoy e aircon, do some reading n writing, even blogging.. mayb reading n writing will help me to raise study momentum for any exams in e future, rather than slacking ard with ppl whom i don click with, n waste my time.. well, i like to slack ard with frens, like wat we did after xinma camp, like wat we did in sec 3.. bt not with ppl here where slacking is really meaningless n boring.. i don thnk slacking with gd frens is a waste if time.. in fact it will b memories tt can be revised over time.. after looking at tpjcians, i think tt i hav enough frens at txy.. tts how sad it is.. hus in e wrong..? me? mayb, bt i don care..
btw, today is back friday.. hope nth like losing wallet will happen to me again..
haven mentioned my orientation.. mayb will record it in another entry.. still, there 50 min to my nx lecture.. arghhh..
start to think wat is wasting time, n wat is not.. talk bout tt in nx entry..

forgotten..

forgot to mention e xmas party by ruiying at coasta sand..
organised by cy n hm n partly me.. though we not real organisors.. i enjoyed tt nite, when we had fun with stupid games.. knew a lot secrets too.. n thanks jm for e delicious cake.. then climbed e gate out of chalet to mac.. think we took a few hrs for e whole journey.. went to e beach.. long time didnt go to e beach, i felt excited.. it was really fun tt i smiles when i think of e dayn looked at our photos.. is tt call i hav treasured e moment.. anyway, i enjoyed his accompany.. understood lots of things tt day too, on e beach..

then theres still xmas countdown at dj hse.. dunno wats e purpose of countdown for xmas, bt i guess we re jus high.. anyway, its still an unforgettable experience.. is it bcos of wat happened tt day tt i ... ..

well stayed out since after co camp.. only stayed at home for 2 days.. many homes for teenagers opened for business.. such as e 1st branch, tampines branch, branch ic yn.. 2nd n most popular branch, clementi branch, branch ic dj.. 3rd branch, bedok / tanah merah branch, branch ic, me.. haha.. 4th branch, boon keng branch, branch ic, hm n hf.. a few others opening soon.. living v excitingly since after xinma camp..

think is cos met a lot of times until dependence occured, until he became part of my life, part of my thoughts, then feelings changed.. n will change back after a while.. bt, tts not wat i think..its a fact tt cant b wiped.. bt e fact is based on his horoscope-influenced character, how depressing..

blogged whole nite

2nd day of 2006.. nothing different as 2005.. everything goes on as it is..

1st breakfast of 2006, mac hot cake with sausage..
1st lunch in 2006, didnt hav any..
1st dinner in 2006, steamboat!! with hm n cy..
1st drink in 2006, greentea bought at giant..
1st one i hugged, xy..
1st one to shake hand with me, dj..
1st one stood beside me, hm..
1st breakfast eaten with, hm dj cy sp br xd al zc n my bro..
1st miss call, my sis..
1st incoming call, sips..
1st msg received from, zy..

ytd was at dj hse, then went to eat breakfast at mac.. supposed to go wild wild wet with hm bt slept e whole afternoon at home.. nite was e new experience of having steamboat iwth frens at my hse.. went to ntuc n shop then prepare, dinner started at 2350 like tt.. bought a cake too, bt its still in e freezer.. anyway, it was really fun n exciting la, n e food was fantastic.. i can only say for those hu cant make it, its a loss la.. it will b part of precious memories of mine..

though tmr will b sch opening, i don hav e feeling of going to sch again.. mayb is e change of environment, change of e routine in life changed me.. i think soon ill c e negative effect after a major exam like olevel.. slacking in an invincible way.. then will b slaking thruout after slacking for so long.. e momentum for studying has dropped..
my plan is to play as hard as possible for 1st 3 mth in tpj.. wanting to appeal doesnt mean tt i don like e sch, jus tt i cant accept e fact tt i was from some high sch, then went to tp.. mayb i don hav e rite to say tt, bt im sorry..

too many entries in one nite? i cant help it..
hm n cy at my hse supposed to b chatting with me, yet both snoring soundly.. wat can i do? haha, talk to myself in blog..

hav doesnt mean own, own doesnt mean hav

how r frens being defined..? tis fren means significant to u does not mean tt u ll b sinificant to tis fren.. is it too greedy wanting to hav a place in ppl hu u consider ur frens heart.. if ure not useful in helping ppl to stepping to a higher level in either reputation or position u ll not b considered a fren.. i dunno, if tis thinking exist in everyone.. ? i used to b confident in ppl i noe tt e ans is a definite no, bt now, hu noes.. ya mayb yes, mayb not.. so wat if e ans is known.. nothing is going to change so i shall not care..

i agree with nm.. hav doesnt mean own, own doesnt mean hav.. y don place it in memories, think abt it n miss it everyday it will then b meaningful.. be it frens, objects, memories.. jus like i couldnt possibly stay in cch forever, bt e mean time i was there i live n learn to e fullest, cch will b in my heart n its my sch forever.. jus like though its impossible btw us, i enjoy every min with him, rmb e words said by him, continue to feel n enjoy e feeling of liking him, continue to miss him everyday, continue to anticipate our nx meet up after goodbye.. then he ll b meaningful to me, he will live in my heart, tt will b gd enough isnt it..? one day i might stop liking him, whom i shouldnt hav liked in e 1st place, bt he once lived here in my heart..
thanks to nm, one sentence helps me to understand n know how to live on..
well if only tts e feeling of liking someone, i think hes e 2nd or 3rd one i liked b4..

i think every blog entry is precious to me as every entry symbolises my gaining of understanding in sth.. understanding of meanings in life, of ppl, of how to live..

happy new yr!!

1st post of e yr 2006.. wish ppl hu wish to hear from me happy new yr~
here i am blogging at dj hse.. 1st blog entry written tis yr was blogged using other ppl com..
jus went countdown with txy.. at e esplanade, its so so so crowded.. anyway it was e 1st time i went countdown outside.. if i were at home i would sleep till e next yr.. today is e 1st time i c so many ppl at suntec, on e street n at esplanade.. i thought e stairs in front of marina square was v big, bt its still fully sitted by ppl.. more ppl than cars, having to queue n wait to get down escalaters n enter e mrt station.. new experience..
though its v crowded bt i feel tt its still a wonderful experience la, depending on hu u were with.. being with e rite ppl u ll feel rite.. looking at e fire works oso giv me some thoughts.. if u enjoy fireworks only depends on whether u r able to grasp e pt one sec of beauty it is showing la.. same in everyday life, whether or not u enjoy ur life, depends on whether u r able to observe n realise little little things happening ard u.. use ur heart to breathe, u ll c things differently as it should b seen, n c e happiness n beauty in everything.. yuchih theory.. haha.. same as my prelim sompre says la, live in e spot of ur life, observe n u ll realise..

some may think being able to b with e person u like is like in heaven.. mayb some kind of feeling like tt.. bt not really e case everytime bah.. may start to hate self for being petty.. being insane n feel unhappy bout trivial matter.. wat for.. i mean, its v sad tt e one u like thinks differently la.. like he doesnt noe wat ure thinking or, like my case la.. hai oso dunno wat im thinking n talking.. bt anway found out one thing true la.. girls r stupid when they r in love.. i dunno y bt brain jus cannot function properly la.. mayb too much emotions n thoughts become obstacles in thinking n influenced accuracy of ones thinking bah.. is tis e reason y guys r always b more intelligent than girls hu r intelligent if they r..? if u get it ull noe wat i mean..
well i feel tt being together with e person u ll find out more things u don wan to noe, seeing more things u don wan to c.. not as in e person itself bt e surrounding situations n persons.. finding out more things abt e past, e untruthful feeling making me feel sad la.. e worse, is tt he didnt even realise it..
n i found out theres guys of one horroscope i would not wan to meet.. esp ones character so much influenced by e horroscope, jus like him.. its jus sad tt i got it wrong la..
1st day of e yr im experiencing feelings like tis.. its not my fault, nor his fault.. no one is to b blamed..

i think i spend a lot of time blogging.. some may think it wastes time, which can b used to do sth more meaningful.. while i feel tt blogging is a time for u to think n reflect.. not thinking n reflecting abt ur life its like robots life, walking in a dead body like tt.. anyway, thinking enlightens meanings in life..