4th day of june holiday..

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..

so today was e 4th day.. was at mc training course in sch at 8 am.. ok la for e 2days training i find it v meaningful, in e sense tt we did a lot of activities tt helped us in a lot ways la.. think in terms of development in projection of voice, pronounciation, speed, body language, e way u speak, e culture.. a lot la.. gain a lot of underatanding in e art of not jus talking bt delievering of speech from other perspects of professionals.. sth like tt..? sounds chim.. haha.. anyway i could only say i really learnt quite a lot from e 2 days.. n ya e teacher rocks though she was a prc, bt i like her as im i admire her quite a lot.. cos shes a professional in drama, arts, piano n singing, i think is not exaggerating even if i say she is a professional in everything abt arts, every kind of arts, n most importantly, at tis young age of only 23.. its like wow.. haha..
then afternoon attended e amaths remedial.. quite a no of ppl failed.. well wat i wanted to say i really learnt e topics today la, slack n play at e same time learning..
well he didnt pass amaths, bt didnt fail so badly.. which means i can only c him againon mon.. orh~ tts sad.. bt i heard tt he passed his emanths n physics.. n of cos english n mayb chem.. bt wat i noe is he failed his combined human.. cos he had being failing ss all along.. haha.. oops, im sorry.. i don mean to la bt i miss him quite a lot.. bt bt bt, i saw him tis morning.. hohoho.. i think he came for physics practical.. omg he look so ... i tell u.. a transgression(?) manx .. aiya i dunno la.. haiyo..
now comes a promise.. i will at least pass amaths n emaths retest ok..

1st day of june holiday..

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..

ytd went to raffles institution to watch their cdc perf.. i think they did a splendid job.. tis was e 1st time i watch a male cdc perf.. ok la really not bad.. n was e 1st time i went to ri.. omg, e sch was really gd manx.. tis was e 1st time i found a sch really a lot better than my sch.. bt anyway im still contented with cchms..
bt these 2 days i began to unsatisfied being a girl.. haha.. cos if i were a guy, all those that happened at e paternal side wouldnt hav happend.. then mayb i would hav a chance to study in ri.. anyway, im really contented in cchms, n i cant bear to leave, either e sch or co.. if i were a guy, then i could play bball more freely.. hai.. had tis feeling everytime i pass by e bball court..
so today was e 1st day of june holiday.. e last so called holiday in sec 4.. could still rmb seeing sentence on e white board when i went to 4bn last yr.. n tis yr is my turn.. anyway surfed net for e whole day..
then jus now went to SCH to e concert of tjcco.. saw many of e seniors on stage.. then i realised that i noe quite a no of audience.. saw those ppl i saw at mega concert n east zone concert.. alrite i think tj deserve e name of e best co in jc bah.. some of e songs i like their begining part.. like wa.. haha.. was hoping to get into tj nx yr then i wan to joing co.. bt i wan join bball oso how.. hai.. i love both cello n bball then i dunno how to choose.. haha.. wait till i get in then consider bah..
n ytd was officially e last day of term 2.. time really flies manx.. after june everything is going to end v fast.. bt i don wish to leave.. in sec sch 4 yrs ended so fast then in jc isnt it going to end faster.. n somemore i feel that when grow older time pass quicker too..
so saw him at e flag raising, mayb he put too much gel today that he seemed to hav a different hairstyle.. n recently i sort of made up my mind that i think if still nothing happened till graduation, i will... .. bt is it too late.. graduation is v late le bah.. keke, sincerely hoping that he failed amaths.. haha, so that he will attend e amaths remedial.. im sorry abt being so evil.. haha..
actually my holiday hasnt started yet cos i hav to go to sch till 7th june.. will start piahing a n e maths tmr for e reexam.. sad eh.. then 2nd n 3rd hope to finish chem n clit or geog..

i think i hav failed..

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..

2nd of april, i took e hsk exam, costing $82.. well i wasted e money.. i think i hav failed, without knowing wat went wrong.. 2 more marks to get an A, jus a B for oral to hit e highest level.. i felt like a loser, a failure.. i dunno hav won anything in my whole life.. e impt things in my life, co comm? class comm? i think e only things i got was cchms n ... bah.. since i didnt treasure was i had, thats my retribution.. wat i wanted was an A cert.. mayb its jus a cert, bt thats is wanted society am i rite..
i begin to wonder wat hav i done in e past 4 yrs.. nothing meaningful except for performances.. thats e only experiences i had.. other than that i grabbed nothing, didnt really studied for any of e exams, i mean really study n revise.. not once at all.. not even streaming.. after today, i noe wat i should do..
i cant help to feel disheartened cos after all, i had high expectations.. bt i now realised that my standards hav remained in e same level as sec 2.. its time for me to ... ..

sometimes i jus feels that im alone, standing by myself in an enclosed space, with no one by my side.. sometimes i jus felt that im lost in my own world, dunno wheres my direction, where im heading to.. i don like tis feeling.. bt i cant find anything or anyone i can rely on or grab onto.. though knowing by such age i shouldnt say sth like that.. bt i cant help to feel.. lost n confused mayb.. totally lost in somewhere which i dunno how to escape.. dunno wat i should do, with no one to guide me, no one to pull me out of.. e abyss? sometimes even begin to doubt e significance of living.. well not that not wanting to continue life bt like wanting to cry to find no tears.. i dunno wat to live for.. alrite i noe its to study bt i jus doubt.. was silently shouting at e top of my voice without anyone noticing..
alrite, jus doubted, when im lost.. bt im still ok, perfectly alrite, jus doubted.. well i thought i would understand..
i felt that we were similiar.. mayb i don need a ... .. jus wan to prove that im more than existed, i live.. jus need someone to live with me.. thats all.. jus wanted to noe..

btw, wat caused my mye results to b so poor? its becos i nv study at all, don u get it, y bother me to explain.. study = score, dont study = fail, don u understand simple logic? n don ask me when am i going to start, im not one hu needs u to nag nag n nag so that i will study, i wan to study n i will.. im no need to b chased after.. only my mum understands me, she has e confidence in wat im doing..

long time nv cried on my mums shoulder.. cant rmb when was e last time.. let tears wash away e laziness within n start afresh.. i crave for change..

txy sports festival '05

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..
sorry to yl..

shall talk abt sat 1st.. it was e 6e so called class gathering with only a few pathetic ppl.. so ppl present, ly ts joey sl ali, anthony n me.. firstly, starwar de ending was wat i don wish to c.. e chosen anakin skywalker became e dark darth vader.. its so saddening.. n after that, went pizza hut to hav dinner, which i think was... .. hai.. then was e exciting part.. we went to play pool~ haha.. had a fun time.. was playing one to one matches, i cant believe that i lose to ts, cos i hit in e black one accidentally.. then started playing team matches, 1st was boy vs. girl.. then split, me, ly n joey.. so e whole thing was fun n we played from 7 sth to abt 11 sth.. hope to c them again soon, in june..
so ytd sun, was e sports festival of lian he zao bao xue sheng tong xun yuan!! e day which i hav been looking forward to since a long time.. haha.. arrived at e pasir ris mrt 5 min earlier, n wow, e 1st time im early for an event.. e 1st game was station games, at same time treasure hunt oso going on.. hav to look for 30 over items while playing games.. things like a handsome guy, a pretty girl, poster, cds, diamond ring, diamond necklace ( in a park?! ).. alrite then some games were quite lame.. had lunch at white sands.. afternoon played captain ball, which i was excited abt, bt disappointed me a lot.. cos no chair there for e captain, no actual boundary, our grp lost.. cos e other grp got wl, our grp only has 2 boys.. it wasnt fun.. bt b4 e bbq, our grp decided to play bball, then at tis time i met a chung cheng senior graduated 5 yrs ago, didnt noe that until hm tell me, was playing bball happily with him n yet didnt noe he was from cchms.. then bbq started.. nth to say abt that.. went to play bball again, tis time was fun, e cchms team which consists of hms dear sis, my new fren mge, one senior from ruiying, tj, n me.. surprisingly hm sis corperated quite well with us, not bad got moqi.. haha.. e whole match was fun n enjoying, n of cos with chung cheng spirits n hao xue li xing, we won~ haha.. i think so la.. anyway hu cares.. we enjoyed it.. played until 8 sth, some of them went home, our team left me n mge, so splitted e other team n continued playing, till like 10 plus.. well, really an enjoying match.. was like so long nv play bball until sweating all over, i felt enlightened..
though i was abt to stink myself to death n muscles aching all over, i still don regret going to e festival.. cheered during e game too, n glad to c that our spirits still remains, though a lot ppl were gone.. overall i enjoyed e event..
btw, i find ... v ... to me, i dunno bt jus felt that way, e similar feeling at mayb co camp?
today slept till 2 sth in e afternoon.. slacked e remaining day.. thats abt it..
n ya btw, i thought that co has ended, bt its going to continue till end of june, was happy that my dream could b continued, n im overjoyed, bt im sad that i couldnt hav e whole of june to solely concentrate on studies.. got to b distracted again.. hope ill hav e determination to finish e syllabus..
there will b a co camp too, at last wk of june holiday.. it reminds me of e camp that we had in dec, e expressions, e feelings, will nv come back, i think..? i dunno, even till today, wat hav i done wrong..

finally its over..

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..
sorry to hm..
sorry to yl.. think i owe u a sorry for e time being..

ok so today mye was finally over, n tmr e nightmare is starting.. debrief starting, n going to c wth im getting for maths..
overview for tis wk..
mon was emaths only for i finally dropped physics.. enlightened me a lot.. n im spending more time on chem n c lit now.. i guess thats gd, n sincerely hoping so..
tue had amaths which e 2 of them jus suck.. cos for every maths paper i didnt had time to finish.. guess not enough practice, so jus c how i going to do in june.. tis is a promise n commitment not going to b broken nor failed..
wed egeog n hcl paper 2, chi not bad for sure, then geog i guess no hope, to score..
thurs, is e worse paper i had.. it was chem, nth much from basic, thinking that its all kind of critical thinking questions.. wat i can used to find myself e chem pro finds it difficult.. alrite, i admit that i didnt spend too much time tis rd, i promise to do much better nx time, n i will.. english is managable btw..
fri being too panic-stricken by chem, i studied e whole nite for c lit.. actually i wanted to catch some sleep bt by e time i came to realise, its oready near 4.30am, so i might as well don sleep.. so i looked forward to how i fair in c lit too, for i wan to c how well i can do for c lit in jus one nite of burning e midnite oil..
so today was another amaths paper, another paper which i spent like 15 min sleeping.. so not hoping to c tis paper at all, for i noe i going to flunk anyway, even if theres miracle..

enough of exams, here comes e exciting part of my day..
after e exam, e whole of our sec 4 level went for a movie at marina gv, coach carter.. e movie was extremely great, cos its abt bball.. i loved e way they slam dunk n defending which was almost invincible.. it was so cool, didnt regret watching it.. n e sound track was so pro-ly matched to e scenes.. i jus loved e movie.. n btw, it was a v educational n meaning one.. Coach Carter, great movie..

btw, fri e 13th was such a black day for me.. nth went rite today, except for one, which ill talk abt later.. well i can believe that i ACTUALLY lost my wallet AGAIN?!?! omg, y e hell am i losing things everyday.. quite a great loss tis time bt i cant actually rmb wats inside my wallet.. anyway, i wan to get over tis soon..
n my mum was back on that day.. things seemed to b different, which i cant get use to as she had left for 2 mths or so.. nvm, ill get use to it soon which i should n will b..

enough of craps.. now i noe y my entries r always so long.. i don like to talk bt i like to crap using words.. my diaries r even longer.. thats me, wastin time on unnecessary things which i always do.. nah, jus stop crapping..
so was on fri that he... .. hehe.. actually nth much.. haha.. im insane n i noe it.. was hoping for my dreams to b true.. kept thinking abt tis for tis 2 wks.. if that kind of dreams can b true, y not tis one..
n oh ya.. saw dx at pasir ris mrt.. nv c him for quite long then i think he became more ... .. keke.. anyway nth much..
n oso on thurs.. met wz at e library.. was like so long nv c him then suddenly he became quite tall n ya, changed a lot.. although his tone n e sense of humour didnt change much.. was feeling familiar when i saw him.. a lot of memories refreshed, regarding p5 n p6.. times passed cannot b brought back, e reality is cruel..
wat a crap..
i m excited abt tis sat, as well as tis sun, e ti yu jie of tong xun yuan..
tmr is ss paper debrief.. im looking forward to it.. n abt wats going to happen tmr..
oh hell, by e rate of e amt of craps im giving, mayb im going to do a bit better for essay bt will fail badly for summary.. haha..

no mood..

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..
sorry to hm..
sorry to yl..
y is tis list kept increasing itself.. tmd..

had 3 papers e past wk.. el paper i think its ok bah.. hcl i guess not bad.. ss quite manageable..
spent 20 mins during hr thinking wat to write.. in e end rushed 4 pgs.. c, chinese was that easy.. ss had a bad time rushing.. spent too much time reading background info.. cos i don get e context.. got to improve my speed of reading n understanding.. exceeded 7 min like that for sbq.. then spent 15 min each on seq.. anyway on e whole e paper was easy as manageable.. im excited abt how my paper fairs.. felt hand muscles aching after times up.. kept writing while thinking thruout.. finished e v last min..
then rushed lunch n went to c lit supplementary lesson.. rushed chi compo after that.. hooray~ finally finished that compo.. haha.. e whole day was rushing, so walked super slowly out of sch.. i guess everything has a balance in life bah.. like when u break with someone that really loves u, u got to get ur retribution sth like that..? ya, mayb thats y..
life is going to b tough nx wk.. n should i take physics mye nx mon? i don think so bah.. 1 1/2 yr of work is not easy.. im a loser.. i gave up.. anyway i don wan to spend 2 n 1/2 hrs there doing nth.. haven talk to mrs cheng yet.. nah.. talk to my mum 1st.. aiya i dunno wat to do la.. wth..

wat will u do if u hav only 3 mths more to live?

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..
sorry to hm.. in anyway, i wan to apologise n thank u.. sorry n thanks..

wat will u do if u only hav 3 mths more to live..?
i will tell every one whom i liked b4..
thank every one hu had helped me in anyway..
n say sorry to every one whom i think is WORTH me doing so..
tell every of my frenz that i love them..
well, thats wat i think.. bt dunno will b doing it if i only had 3 mths left.. anyway say is always easier than done..
btw.. y am i writing all tis..? weird me..

n ya, lastly.. hooray~ todays a holiday.. haha.. though i miss sch..