i think i hav failed..

sorry to ... ..
sorry to yy..

2nd of april, i took e hsk exam, costing $82.. well i wasted e money.. i think i hav failed, without knowing wat went wrong.. 2 more marks to get an A, jus a B for oral to hit e highest level.. i felt like a loser, a failure.. i dunno hav won anything in my whole life.. e impt things in my life, co comm? class comm? i think e only things i got was cchms n ... bah.. since i didnt treasure was i had, thats my retribution.. wat i wanted was an A cert.. mayb its jus a cert, bt thats is wanted society am i rite..
i begin to wonder wat hav i done in e past 4 yrs.. nothing meaningful except for performances.. thats e only experiences i had.. other than that i grabbed nothing, didnt really studied for any of e exams, i mean really study n revise.. not once at all.. not even streaming.. after today, i noe wat i should do..
i cant help to feel disheartened cos after all, i had high expectations.. bt i now realised that my standards hav remained in e same level as sec 2.. its time for me to ... ..

sometimes i jus feels that im alone, standing by myself in an enclosed space, with no one by my side.. sometimes i jus felt that im lost in my own world, dunno wheres my direction, where im heading to.. i don like tis feeling.. bt i cant find anything or anyone i can rely on or grab onto.. though knowing by such age i shouldnt say sth like that.. bt i cant help to feel.. lost n confused mayb.. totally lost in somewhere which i dunno how to escape.. dunno wat i should do, with no one to guide me, no one to pull me out of.. e abyss? sometimes even begin to doubt e significance of living.. well not that not wanting to continue life bt like wanting to cry to find no tears.. i dunno wat to live for.. alrite i noe its to study bt i jus doubt.. was silently shouting at e top of my voice without anyone noticing..
alrite, jus doubted, when im lost.. bt im still ok, perfectly alrite, jus doubted.. well i thought i would understand..
i felt that we were similiar.. mayb i don need a ... .. jus wan to prove that im more than existed, i live.. jus need someone to live with me.. thats all.. jus wanted to noe..

btw, wat caused my mye results to b so poor? its becos i nv study at all, don u get it, y bother me to explain.. study = score, dont study = fail, don u understand simple logic? n don ask me when am i going to start, im not one hu needs u to nag nag n nag so that i will study, i wan to study n i will.. im no need to b chased after.. only my mum understands me, she has e confidence in wat im doing..

long time nv cried on my mums shoulder.. cant rmb when was e last time.. let tears wash away e laziness within n start afresh.. i crave for change..